Jump For Joy

The first sentence of Chris Robert Antieau’s artist statement rings out like a shot from a cannon. In the deepest parts of my 44 year old heart I want to follow her advice. The statement reads, “If there is one ThiNg I Could hope To Say To all of you, It is To NEVeR giVe uP on Your dream.”

Sitting here writing this I still find myself curious and I hear the question knocking at my heart, “What is your deepest desire?” “What is your dream?” I plead with myself to answer.

The truth is, at this moment, I think this is it. I think my dream is to write down these complex feelings and experiences that I have so that I can connect with others around them. I think it is my dream to be clear…..to write clearly, speak clearly, listen clearly and act clearly. There is so much doubt, so much...fear. I think it is my dream to do this podcast, to be in a conversation with an audience, and to share my contemplative, playful, and curious nature with the world.

I have spent the last 5 years trying to figure out what my dream was because so many things came in and told me not to dream it. I tried teaching, construction, visual art, curriculum design for spiritual teachers, consulting, painting, and I keep coming back to the same things.

I remember being 10 years old and performing at a competition for problem solving and creativity. I dreamt up a skit about a popular d.j. and a lucky caller who got to spend a day riding around with them in a car. I think we had built a balsa wood structure, and we were also being judged by how much weight it could hold. Somehow I worked out that each weight was a record the d.j. was playing on the radio, and we kept driving around together, acting out a story and placing records (weights) on the balsa wood structure (record player).

I remember the joy, excitement, and thrill I felt playing a character, writing a story, and performing for an audience. I was alive. I have the memory of being fully myself in that moment. Expressing without fear. Playing the lucky caller, Eugene Fargleshlide, a nerd with a heart of gold, I was in the state of flow, freedom of expression, and lost in the wonder of joy that is everywhere when we are children.

Chris Roberts Antieau’s artist statement goes on to express that her work is about Joy and the Mystery of Origin with a plea to the reader to listen to the voice inside us. The voice she is talking about is the voice that takes us where we NEED to be, the voice that leads us to our passion and our unique expression in this lifetime. For her it was being a fine artist who works with thread and fabric. An artist whose whimsy is only matched by her resolve to stay true to herself.

When I ask myself what I am ‘supposed’ to be doing, usually the answer is “exactly what I am doing, but from time to time FEAR creeps back in and asks accusatory questions like, “What are you doing with your life?” “What if you’re deluding yourself and you're supposed to be painting houses and gardening?” “What if you are wrong?” “How are you ever going to retire?” “What are you going to do for health insurance?” Like Chris’ statement proclaims, “Fear is Bad!”

I think it is easy to think that we are special. We are and we aren’t, and I don’t think listening to that voice leads us all to the same place. In America we are sold on the notion that the only evidence of a full life is one where we rise to fame, wealth and renown, but what if what you are ‘supposed to be’ or ‘destined to be’ was a tax attorney or an electrician or a librarian or a lonely traveler. It is impossible for the mind to know such things, but the heart holds the key to this wisdom.

I got to meet Chris at her gallery in Santa Fe, New Mexico a few weeks ago, and I am reflecting on what I saw, read, and heard from this human who found her calling, who listened to the voice and trusted it. I feel so grateful to meet an elder who lived a life based on the notion of listening to your heart. To sit and listen to someone who was also misunderstood by the prevailing sentiments of educators, critics, and society but who trusted themselves to take the adventure of life where they heard it calling. This is my goal. I want to know what I am supposed to be, who I am destined to be, and what I am supposed to do.

I ask daily, “What am I supposed to do today?” To be honest, some days that creates panic, indecision, and worry, but on other days it creates trust, contentment, and joy. I want to continue to walk towards joy, listen to its song emerge from the silence, and watch where it takes me. I do believe like Chris’ artist statement says, “ParT of LiFe, Which ConsTantly BrinGS Forth the SamE truths - that WE aRe All BlesSed With thE ABility To RecoGNize And CREATe Joy, and thaT lifE is aBout thaT creaTion.”

With that, I’ll keep choosing to walk towards joy, deal with my fears as they come up, and keep walking towards Joy.

P.S.

So grateful for the artist’s talk at the Santa Fe gallery, and please please please check out Chris’ work. It is magical! http://www.antieaugallery.com/