Getting ready to write this blog post and continue on with the podcast series about fear I came across a couple of definitions. The dictionary defines fear as an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. It is also referred to as a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. I found a couple of things very interesting looking at the definition. First, fear is an unpleasant emotion or a distressing emotion. It is not that I disagree with that. I think fear and the state of being afraid is a very uncomfortable feeling mentally, physically, and emotionally. Yes, it is complex and can be very distressing. I mean, I’ve had anxiety and panic attacks and the fear is real. The second thing that I was intrigued enough to dedicate this blog post and the second episode of the podcast to is that fear is an emotion we experience when we believe someone or something is dangerous, and further it is elicited by real and imagined threats. The example of the tree branch falling is an immediate and real threat, and the fear that you are experiencing is real. However, the fear is over before you think about it, and the long-term fear of things falling on you from above is completely created by your brain and your imagination. The distressing emotion is aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is REAL or IMAGINED.
I have heard a couple of catchy acronyms for fear over the years that address this
False Future
Evidence Events
Appearing Appearing
Real Real
Our imaginations are amazing things! They create art and music and imagine beautiful lives and dreams, but on the other side of that we use them, or, more often than not, they use us to predict how to respond to future stimuli. When we are children we develop fears along a pretty common and universal timeline and around age 4-6 we begin to imagine all kinds of scary scenarios because we become afraid of outsiders and strangers. Our world expands, and we begin to imagine threats all around us. The boogeyman is a stranger that lies in wait to take us away from our families and trying to predict how and when this stranger will get us helps us develop very important neural pathways. However, it also can consume us. Think about this. You are little and lying in bed having a hard time sleeping, and you think a shadow in the corner begins to move. Within seconds you are terrified and fully believe that something is coming to get you. This is one of our first tastes of False Evidence Appearing Real. Throughout our lives this happens again and again. Public speaking is one of the most largely shared fears for adults, and before we stand up to share something at work fear gets the best of us. We begin to imagine failing or doing something so horrible that we get shunned, fired, or ridiculed in public. Now, besides when we are adolescents and mostly trying out being awful and dividing into social packs, have you ever seen this happen as an adult? Most of the time there is no evidence your co-workers will conspire against you to compromise your livelihood, you won’t be banished to the woods to starve and die alone, and almost everything bad you think will happen during public speaking is imagined. I doubt many people have been in actual danger from sweaty palms and public speaking, but here we are, terrified of an imagined threat.
Let’s move on to the next one that is part survival mechanism and part of the most consuming and frustrating form of fear. Future Events Appearing Real. This can completely apply to the social fear of public speaking, but I think this one is more prevalent. I can imagine, plan, and talk to imagined versions of people I know in my head for hours in a febrile attempt to predict how an interaction will go. I have experienced social anxiety as have many of us. Fear of asking someone on a date because we imagine them saying no which would obviously mean that we suck. Or, the fear of making a request of someone at work to quit saying racist things because we may be socially ostracized for pointing out someone’s racial blindspot or white supremacy inherent in social, corporate and political systems. Or, being afraid of flying because our mobility, agency, and freedoms are limited while we are flying 30,000 feet over the ground with someone else's hands on the wheel. We imagine fears daily and that is part of how we avoid traffic accidents, but on the other side it is how we remain locked in our own personal fear cages.
In my life I have been faced with real fear. I was hit by a car and run over while riding my bike and everything that happened in my body for that second was an immediate and self preserving fear response that I am so grateful for. My body came online in a terrifying moment and kept me and, more specifically, my head from being crushed by the back tire of an SUV. That was scary, real scary. In the moment things slowed down and my body knew exactly what to do, how to fall, where to move, and in a second (that seemed like 5 min) I did what I needed to do to survive. Since that accident I decided to give up riding my bike in the city. That real fear kept me alive. The year after that I was very afraid to ride a bike anywhere, let alone in the city with increasing traffic and the potential for accidents to happen again, but I began to imagine accidents when I was riding in other places. My brain began to make Future Events Appear Real, and I felt fear even when I wasn’t in immediate danger. I started to have anxiety anytime I was on a bike. I was imagining harmful moments, and the fear I felt was just as real and intense as the accident but with a new level of dread. Imagined fear creates the same physiological response as real fear, and long-term effects of this are exhausting and debilitating. I eventually began riding my bike around the park, and slowly my body and my mind remembered that most of the time I’m on a bike I’m not in danger as long as I’m paying attention and not in traffic. That imagined fear began to dissipate, and my relationship to the imagined fear changed. No longer was I experiencing anxiety when I rode. The impact of the imagined fear was gone.
I have had anxiety most of my life and lived in a cage of imagined fear. Anyone who has anxiety knows exactly what I’m talking about. It’s like living in a haunted house with projectors broadcasting ‘what if’ scenarios everywhere you look. What if I say something dumb? What if I hurt someone's feelings? What if I die alone? What if I get in an accident? What if I lose my job? What if I did it wrong? What if I fali? And on and on. The best thing about fear is that we all experience it. We can connect around it. It is shared. It is universal. Another great thing about fear is that when the real shit hits the fan, our brain shuts down and our instincts take over. We fight, we run, we freeze, or we fawn. Now, some of those responses require therapy to avoid, but for the most part these instincts keep us safe physically and emotionally until we can fully take care of ourselves. The final wonderful thing about fear is that we can get to know it. We can get to know ourselves, heal and overcome so much by slowly and steadily engaging with our perceived fears. Recently I asked myself, “Why am I afraid to launch a podcast?” The answer went something like this.
I’m afraid because I might fail...then what?
People will think I’m stupid….then what?
I won’t have any friends….then what?
I’ll die alone...then what?
I’ll be dead….then what?
Doing this process reminded me that most of what I’m afraid of is imagined and ultimately leads to something I can’t avoid. I’m going to live, make mistakes, make amends, fail, succeed, and try again, and one day I’ll eventually die and that is A OK. I’m fine with it once I see that I’m just doing average human shit, being a person. Fear is a part of it and I’m glad we are becoming friends.
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